Why have just 100-best lists? The snarkiness is so much more fun when it’s the worst. Crooked Timber is working one up, based on reader suggestions.
Everyone should be sure to die before having to see Dogma. If I could, I’d be tempted to go back in time and kill myself before I had to see it.
Here are some of my suggestions:
Howard The Duck: At least, I think it’s terrible. I’ve never been able to tolerate being in the same room as it for more than two or three minutes.
Yentl: Babs hires Mandy Pantinkin to be in her musical, doesn’t give him any songs. Like hiring Roger Clemens to be on your baseball team and having him play first base.
Armageddon: How can a movie with Billy Bob Thornton and Steve Buscemi be so bad? Sure, it’s got Bruce Willis and Ben Afflect; but are they enough to neutralize them? No, you need stupid science and a clichéd script to clinch the deal. Stick with Deep Impact which is actually a million times better.
A lot of people suggest “Van Helsing.” I reject that notion, because any movie that features Kate Beckinsale in skin-tight black leather has an enormous advantage over movies that don’t.
Be careful now, don’t fall into the trap of:
… equat[ing] sad or depressing with “don’t watch it.” Have I got a Disney library to sell you people.
On Monkeybone, salon.com once ran a piece on what a scandal it was that this brilliant movie had been withdrawn from circulation, hysterically funny, creative etc. etc. Remember those conspiracy theories about how the perfect carburetor had been invented, one that gave you 100 MPG, but the big car companies bought the patent and suppressed it? That’s how they thought of Monkeybone. When it was released on DVD I eagerly snapped it up, and with trembling hands put it into the tray and pressed “play.”
Needless to say, big suck. I kind of wished I’d died before even reading the article.
Ok, i already warned you guys about Boat Trip so we won’t go there again.
But as usual, i’m gonna go off topic (complete 180) for a moment to tell you about a movie that you might be tempted to write off by virtue of the title and the description they give you on ONDEMAND or on the box. The movie is “Lars and the Real Girl”. It’s about a guy and a blowup doll. That’s all i’ll say. Believe me after i saw the first 5 minutes, i said to self: “Self, what did you just waste 5 bucks on?”. But it was too compelling to stop watching. Turns out it’s a great-terrific-wonderful-feelgood-film (ok, i just killed it for you dudes. Damn!).
It seems like an indie film but can’t say for sure. It’s not clear from imdb. It’s not formulaic and it has a B-list cast (by that i mean, actors who you’ll usually find in indie films, such as Patricia Clarkson). So i’m going by that. But it has something special which i won’t give away but will be apparent to you by the time you’re done watching (if you’ve got the guts).
I also recommend “The Savages” with Laura Linney and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Probably an indie film too.
OK, shoot me, i went off topic again. I just can’t think of any movies i’ve hated lately. But i just thought of another one that i liked a lot: Cloverfield.
Tom, you might have to ban me for not staying on topic, but you should know by now that if you start a movie thread, i’m gonna have two cents….
OK, i’ve added “Boat Trip” and “Pooty Tang” to the list. We shall see. I bet Boat Trip makes the cut.
Blowup doll? Feelgood? I might have to ban you for R-rated posts. At least you didn’t say it was a date movie.
It isn’t how it sounds. I know how blowup doll sounds, ok. But it’s not like…that….
And as for “feelgood” that’s now how it sounds either….,ok, i shouldn’t have put that in the same sentence as “blowup doll”. My bad. All a big misunderstanding.
By feelgood i mean you will….uh let’s see…feel glad…that you spent two hours watching this movie. I will put you in a good mood. OK, i can’t say what i want to say because it will give it away and i’d really REALLY like you guys to give this a try. And it’s a funny movie too. Not haha comedy funny. But just humorous content funny.
Just to clarify for those of you with dirty minds, in the second paragraph it should say “it will put you in a good mood” not “I will put you in a good mood”.
OBTW, this is not a chick flick. “27 Dresses” is a chick flick, but Rey watched it with me and LHAO as did i.
Whoops, the typo to which i referred above is in the 3rd paragraph and i see there’s one in the 2nd paragraph too.
And ok maybe it is kind of a chick flick. It depends how you look at it. I should know what a chick flick is and this is not quite there and yet it’s not like “Live Free or Die Hard” either…..oh no, i’m banned, aren’t i?
I’m not going to ban you, but be careful or you’ll get caught by the filter I have that catches the Viagra and Cialis ads!